Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
