mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
