When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize