Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
