I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
