I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize