You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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