WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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