Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My cat gives me a boner
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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