My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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