The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
