my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
