mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
