so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
