I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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