I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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