One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
