i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
