awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
