Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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