she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
