She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
