Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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