Dude my mom stole all your condoms
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
