I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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