I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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