I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
