listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
