My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize
