Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
