I cannot find my penis.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I think your dad took our porno
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
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