Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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