It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Alive.
So much puke
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
