what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
