If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
