After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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