I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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