someone threw a dead crab at me
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize