Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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