i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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