Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
