Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
