my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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