I wannas sexs uuuuu
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
