I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
