I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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