I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He kissed a someone with a penis
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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