As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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