So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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