I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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