i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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