You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
