There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
