Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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