dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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