I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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