I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
