I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
