Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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