girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
True college students do jello shots in the library
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
