We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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