i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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