I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
